System Error
by Rel-Kaida
Summary: HidaTema result of RP . A series of emails between Akatsuki Community College tech Hidan and student Temari. AU, crack, humour. Rated for STRONG LANGUAGE. See inside for more details.
1. Chapter 1

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. Hope you enjoy._

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Jackass'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Temari'**

**Subject: Your impending demise.**

You're going to die.

I'm well aware it was you that tampered with the background...thing... on my computer. (Shikamaru informs me it's called wallpaper). If you don't take it down _right now_ I'm going to complain, officially.

I'm sure posting half naked pictures of yourself on a students computer against their will (and I know it was you, we have those stupid passwords for a reason right? And you can bypass them) counts as sexual harrassment and I could get your ass fired in five seconds flat.

You've got five minutes. If I log back in to find it still there, first I'm complaining then I'm hunting your vain egotisical ass down and I'm jamming you face first into the staff office shredder.

_Five minutes._

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Dyke****'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'God of...well, pretty much fucking everything'**

**Subject: RE: Your impending demise.**

Fuck me, you got your panties up your crack, woman. You know, what you call 'sexual harrassment', most chicks would call ART. You're one uncultured fucking person, seriously. No taste.

Fine, I'll change your fucking background. Not your thing anyway, right? A little too, oh...MALE.

Oh come on, seriously though, you know you just saved a copy of that for yourself. Remember noob - every time you masturbate to that picture, Jashin-sama will know. JASHIN-SAMA WILL KNOW.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Buyer of cosmetics and probably wearer of women's underwear'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Straighter than you by a long shot'**

**Subject: Re:RE: Your impending demise**

I know _Art_. Art is Picasso or Dali or Cezanne, Chegal or Degas. Art has some....well _artistic merit_.

Art is not someone posing half naked in what they obviously (mistakenly) believe to be an attractive 'come hither' kind of way. You look like constipated frog when you're pulling that look by the way, might be why you're currently lacking a boyfriend.

And I like men, you're just so far from my type it's unbelievable. Even if you were straight I prefer my men with a little bit more intelligence, dignity and without such an egotistical strain it makes it pretty damn obvious they're compensating for shortcomings in other departments.

I have saved the picture for your information. However it's only for evidence in case you _ever_ try anything like this again I can use it to prove you've been sexually inappropriate to me on more than one occasion. As if I would _ever _do anything like that to a picture of _you_. Besides it's on the school computer, and no one would do anything like that at school would they?

Actually on second thoughts I don't want to know, I bet you've got a stash of gay porn hidden away on here somewhere.

Oh great now I'm going to have nightmares thanks to that.

Temari

PS Haha very funny. I don't want a topless woman as my background either. Change it or tell me how to do and I'll do it myself.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'No fucking sense of humour'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'So out of your league'**

**Subject: Re: Re: RE: Your impending demise.**

Oh hold your fucking horses, woman. I've sent Nara down there now, I'm sure he'll get rid of what's giving you the best fucking orgasm of your life. In more ways then one.

Art is ALSO that fucking David guy, you know - the one with his dick out? I've been told I'm built like that shithead, only I'm better hung. There you have it. Tell me I'm not art, if you're really NOT gay. I'm so your type, noob. Ever heard 'the lady doth protest too much?'. THAT'S YOU.

You keep that picture, sweetie. Think of it as a freebie. Oh, and could you please NOT spam my work mail with your fantasies about me in gay porn? I never had you pegged for a yaoi fan, seriously. See you tomorrow in class, chick. Don't blush too much when you see me, people might get the wrong idea.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'He of the ridiculously inflated ego'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'So not interested'**

**Subject: Do you ever shut up?**

I've decided this method of communication is more tolerable because at least this way I can get a word in edgeways.

Yes I am ignoring you, it's because I'm trying to get my work done. Kick my chair one more time and I'll loudly ask if you and your boyfriend have gotten over your problem with erectile dysfunction yet.

Oh and concerning your last e-mail, the idea of you in _any _type of porn makes me want to be sick. And as for 'protesting too much' what the hell are you doing over being gay then? You're obviously in deep denial.

Temari

PS I'm not a yaoi fan but Yamanaka is, if she gets wind of you being gay expect her to go all squealing fangirl on your ass.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Has been'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Up and coming'**

**Subject: Re: Do you ever shut up?**

Huh, what? What's this? Oh, it's just, I was trying to get some fucking work done, but this chick who is trying to act all pissy with me KEEPS STARTING EMAIL CONVERSATIONS. (Amazing that she knows how to work the fucking internet to begin with, seriously).

You know what? Believe I'm gay if that's what makes you shiver and shake at night, baby. I don't give a fuck - in fact, go for it! I'm a generous guy, and I'm all for charity work, seriously. If I can help lonely, bitter old spinsters one red hot orgasm at a time, my work is done. I'm a fucking saint. Jashin-sama will be proud.

Would you stop harassing me now? I need to get some fucking work done, seriously.

Hidan.

P.S. Yamanaka likes Nara. Which makes her a fucking rug-muncher.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Absolutely shitty educator'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Trying to learn here'**

**Subject: Re: RE: Do you ever shut up?**

_What_? So you call spending the past ten minutes repeatedly kicking my chair and making comments whenever I so much as hesitate about which button to press _working_? (For your information Shikamaru says I'm picking up this internet stuff pretty quickly, we covered e-mail last week.) Why do you always claim there's something wrong with a computer that is directly opposite/next to mine every lesson? I mean do you get off on tormenting me or something?

Oh for fucks sake am I going to have to spell it out for you?

I. Don't. Find. You. Attractive. At ALL.

I find Shikamaru more appealing than you, hell I find _Rock Lee _more appealing than you.

And if you're so busy _stop kicking my damn chair_ and do your work then. Or I might have to retaliate and _accidentally_ run my chair over your foot.

Whoops too late. Bet that hurt.

Temari

PS Oh come off it, she doesn't. The last time I saw them together she was screaming at him for trying to make her change the color of her....font? is that what it's called.... well whatever it is back from bright pink. He looked like he wanted to crawl under a table and die.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'So not'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Shit hot'**

**Subject: Re: Re: RE: Do you ever shut up?**

Yeah Yamanaka yells at him. You tell at me too. You're a total fucking harpy. I wait for the day your head folds in half, seriously.

Nara's so damned perfect, I'm sure. Such a good teacher. 'Oooh look at me, I get all the stupid chicks'. Yay, good for him - I believe that's called TAKING ADVANTAGE. Or grooming. Way to go - you picked a swell fucking teacher. I applaud you.

Hey, it's not my fault the incompetent assholes at this place can't set computers up right. Either that, or you're sabotaging them on purpose. I won't hold it against you - I've met your kind before. They have pills for that shit now, by the way.

And yes - you running over my foot DID fucking hurt. What are you, a fucking elephant? I feel sorry for whoever marries you and has to carry that shit over a threshold, seriously.

...you find Rock Lee attractive? I knew you had issues, woman, but FUCK. Hell, even if I WERE gay and hard-up, I wouldn't fuck that. I wouldn't fuck that with a fake dick, which you're totally gonna have to do. I bet he's into that.

Just think you oughta know - he's already been had by the gym teacher. The fucker in the green spandex. You sure know how to pick 'em, noob.

And seriously - stop being so fucking fixated on the idea that I WANT you to be attracted to me. Woman, have you seen our English teacher? The drunk blond? Now THAT is a woman. Get a body like that and I might let you blow me.

Do you spit or swallow?

Hidan.


	2. Chapter 2

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. Hope you enjoy._

**

* * *

****To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Sexual Harrassment Lawsuit waiting to happen'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Victim'**

**Subject: I cannot believe you just asked me that.**

Oh right I get it. Why didn't you just _tell_ me you liked Shikamaru like that?

And honestly can you really see Shikamaru having the energy to actually groom someone? (And by the way, my hitting you over the back of the head just then with my ruler was for calling me stupid...well the first time was, the second one was for the elephant comment. Stop bitching about it like a little girl.) I swear to god I could waltz into this lesson in my underwear and he'd probably just ask if I was cold and then fall asleep. If Yamanaka really does like him, well she's going to need alot of persistance, a complete inability to take no for an answer and downright pig-headed determination...

Hell what am I saying, they're perfect for each other.

Sorry looks like you're out of luck there. Guess it's back to dreaming of Kakazu-sensei for you huh?

I'm flattered you think so highly of my IT skills you believe I'd be _able _to sabotage a computer. I bet you're doing it yourself, it's pathetic really.

Read the actual words, idiot. I said I found Rock Lee more attractive than you. Which means, on a scale of one to ten, he would be a 0.5 while you would be -60.

Fine, go harrass Tsunade-sensei then, it'll give me a welcome break and I'll laugh when she sucker-punches you out of the second floor window.

I am _not_ answering that, you fucking creepy pervert.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Touchy bitch'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'True victim'**

**Subect: Re: I cannot believe you just asked me that.**

FUCKING OW. Watch who you hit when you PMS, seriously. Not everyone's as easy going as me.

Nara is technically a chick, I'll give you that. An ugly chick. Almost as ugly as you. I'll stick to the real women, seriously. Funny joke - Kakuzu. Ha ha ha. You realise that even if I did want to fuck that, I'd have to pay for it? Why pay, when I get chicks just throwing themselves at me, and I could spend that money on bath ballistics instead?

Awww, no reply? That must mean you spit. Women hate to admit they can't handle a good mouthful. Shame - if you swallowed, it would mean you actually had something going for you.

Look at the time! I gotta go have my fucking lunch break. You'll forgive me for not thinking about you, right? My appetite is important to me, seriously.

Don't miss me too much!

Hidan.

* * *

**To: All Internal Contacts 'Bane of my exsistance'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Being driven insane'**

**Subject: Argh I can't take this anymore**

Okay fine you know what, since you so obvious are desperate to hear this...

Hidan I totally want you badly, you're the most handsome guy ever who obviously has the biggest cock and I totally want you to _do_ me. I _obviously_ beat you with a ruler in class because I want to do it in a _far_ more kinky way in private. I am totally _hot_ for you despite apparently being a lesbian.

And I swallow. There that what you wanted to hear?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Dying of stupidity'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Dying of laughter'**

**Subject: You total fucking moron**

Thanks, sweetie. That email confirmed everything I knew from the fucking beginning, of course, but having you send it to me really cemented things.

Well, to me, and the WHOLE FUCKING COLLEGE.

Next time you send an e-mail, dumbass, make sure you click on my name, not the 'all internal contacts' option, seriously. Every fucker in this school - teacher and student alike - just got your little declaraction of horniness.

I even got called into the office by that douche, Kakuzu. But don't worry, noob. I bailed you out. Since I'm, like, the best tech in this entire fucking city, I was able to cover all tracks. I told Kakuzu you've been totally stalking me for fucking weeks.

But, because I'm such a stunning guy, I told him to lay off you. I was all, "Kakuzu, this chick was stunned by how incredibly hot I am - she's been gagging for it ever since. She's been following me around, begging for a taste of me. I know you couldn't pay a woman to even flash her titties at you without some sorta blackmail behind it, but you gotta show some sympathy here. Let her off this once, and I'll put her out of her misery."

Then Jashin-sama was all, "Ooooh Hidan, you're such a good fucking guy. You spread the good word and you take poor little nymphos under your wing. I'm so proud of you, I want you to be a minister in a Jashinist church, seriously, you're THAT GOOD."

So, because I was so fucking smart and covered our tracks (not that he'd know how to look for that anyway - he's the manager, not the fucking tech. There's a huge difference, seriously), the only damage is that you look like a bit of a whore.

Tough breaks.

Hidan.

P.S. How'd you know my cock's so big?


	3. Chapter 3

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. Hope you enjoy. PLEASE REVIEW!_

**

* * *

**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Really in the mood to beat the shit out of you'**

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Insensitive bastard'**

**Subject: I hate you and I _hate_**** computers.**

No seriously I mean it.

I really, _really_ fucking hate you, you're ruining my life.

Thanks to you, the entire school now thinks we're having some kind of illicit affair. People I _don't even know_ are stopping me in the halls between classes to ask me about it. Ino won't stop trying to get me to have _girl talks_ with her about what you're like in bed, it's driving me mental.

And Genma now thinks I'm easy or something, he tried to put his hand up my skirt during our last conference. I _accidentally_ kicked him in the balls, pretty hard. (That's what the ambulance out front was about in case you were wondering. Should have told them to stick around, it'll save them from making two trips because whenever I find where you're hiding I am giving you the same damn treatment. No scratch that an ambulance would be a waste of time their going to need a damn HEARSE for you by the time I'm done.)

Temari.

PS: I WAS BEING FUCKING SARCASTIC YOU COMPLETE MORON ARGGGGH I bet you're tiny seriously, in fact I would bet you could use that thing for a needle.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Needs to lighten up'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Still dying of laughter'**

**Subject: Re: I hate you and I **_**hate**_** computers.**

Sticks and stones, sweetheart, sticks and stones. Oh, and for the record - I'm not the one who fucking mailed my secret desires to the whole college. Who's ruining who's life? I'll let you think on that one for a while. Try meditation - it works, seriously.

YOU were the one who knocked Genma back to puberty? Fuck noob, I get that you're pissed (at your own mistake, not mine) but that's just not cricket, seriously. Poor fucker's probably removed from the gene pool. Not that that's a bad thing. Nothing hugely endearing to pass on to another generation, right? No brains, and no fucking good looks _at all_.

I am NOT hiding. I have a job to do. Just because you're totally hanging around college grounds, waiting for a glimpse of me. I can't always be there for you to spy on, noob. Some of us have lives, seriously.

I'll see you in class tomorrow. Try not to let the fuckers get you down.

Hidan.

P.S. Yamanaka's interested, eh? Why am I not surprised?

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Obviously oblivious to sarcasm'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Still wanting very badly to hurt you'  
**

**Subject: RE: Re: I hate you and I **_**hate**_** computers.**

You are so lucky that Shikamaru decided that physically assaulting two teachers in one day would look very bad and took me back to his flat rather than letting me continue looking for you yesterday.

For the last time- I was _being_ sarcastic or are you _really_ too moronically thick-headed to tell the difference?

Not that a mere day has done anything to quell my very deep seated need to punch your smug face in (thank you _so much_ for choosing the computer right next to me again by the way, at least if I do decide to give into the burning desire to hit you I won't have to walk far). But Shikamaru's managed to convince me not to do where there are witnesses at least.

The entire class is staring at us you do know that right? Including Konan-sensei.

Temari.

PS. Well I've been told she has a history of falling for air headed idiots so yeah I'd say you're right up her street.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Living up to her image from that mass email'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Couldn't give a shit'**

**Subject: RE: Re: Re: I hate you and I _hate_**** computers.**

Like I fucking care if these jerkoffs are staring. Half of them probably don't get anywhere near as much sex as I do, seriously.

You went to Nara's. What a fucking shock. So did you have a night of playing shogi while he totally fucking fails to pick up on your signals? Tch, the fuck do I care. I got other things to think about, noob. Your sex life is a fart in the breeze to me. Seriously.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Look who's talking, total manwhore'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Reiterating that SHE WAS BEING SARCASTIC'**

**Subject: Is hitting on underage girls your hobby or something?**

If you get any closer to Ino's chair you'll be sitting on it. And I mean that whole 'oh is it warm in here?' and ripping off your shirt thing? Not impressing anybody. If you take off your pants I may well be sick.

Look it's not like I care, you can (and probably do) hit on the entire female population of the school as far as it concerns me but Shikamaru's already misfiled that report six times and he's starting to look pretty annoyed. And for him to actually muster up the energy to look annoyed you know it's serious.

Oh in case you were wondering...Shikamaru is an _amazing_....

Shogi player.

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Oh, was someone talking to you?'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Nope, someone definitely wasn't talking to you'**

**Subject: Re: Is hitting on underage girls your hobby or something?**

Huh? I'm kinda busy right now noob. Email me later or something.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Soon to be ex-pain in my ass'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'So over it'**

**Subject: Fuck you**

You know what? Screw this, I am never talking you again you prick. Find another way to kill your boredom or go screw Ino for all I care just leave me the hell alone.

I am never e-mailing you again, I anticipate my life become a whole lot easier.

Temari.


	4. Chapter 4

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. Hope you enjoy. PLEASE REVIEW! _

_Heaven-in-Distress: Thanks! Hope you stay tuned._

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Needs to chill'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Sated'**

**Subject: Re: Fuck you**

Huh? Have I missed something? Fuck, chick, don't hit a guy with this weird shit out of nowhere. My head's clear. Never come so fucking hard in my life, seriously.

So - you were saying?

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Repugnant bastard' **

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Disgusted'**

**Subject: Re: RE: Fuck you**

Okay I promised Konan-sensei I'd apologise for throwing that keyboard at your head.

...and the rest of the computer too. You're damned lucky I couldn't lift the...box thing high enough to throw it.

So there I have.

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'PMSing bitch'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'A little smug'**

**Subject: Just to inform you...**

That as Head Technician for Akatsuki Community College, I could easily charge you for the equipment you so callously threw at my head. In fact, my fucking boss would be delighted if I did.

But because I'm a generally upstanding guy, I'm instead going to ask you what your fucking problem is. Here I am, being a friend and getting ready to hear you out (and come on, how many other dudes would listen to a chick when she's PMSing? Not fucking many, let me tell you), and you THROW SHIT AT MY FUCKING HEAD.

I get that you're jealous. I'd be jealous too - guys like me don't come along all the time, you know. I'm a fucking catch, and you just don't got the right bait. And you know, giving me concussion isn't helping either. I'm not into BDSM, noob. I don't know what sick kind of games you play in the bedroom, but HO-LY SHIT.

You know, you've been all physical like that from the start. I should have fucking seen it sooner, but...

Man, I don't know what to say.

I know what _you_ should say, though. You can start by apologising. If you sound sincere enough, I might let you off of paying for the fucking equipment you bounced off my head. If you offer me other compensation...I might consider it. I'm a reasonable guy, seriously.

So...I'm waiting.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Target Practice'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Champion Keyboard Thrower' **

**Subject: Re: Just to inform you...**

Forget it I'm not apologising to you. Because you deserved it for being a callous bastard.

I know you (for reasons I've yet to figure out) dislike Shikamaru but really to go hitting on Ino in front of him is a new low even for you. And as for what you've done to her....she's ridiculously easily swayed by attractive men which you took unfair advantage of AND she's a minor, you do realise that right? So I'm pretty sure it counts as statutory rape. So have fun in jail, priest boy, you'll be just their type in there what with your feminine cosmetics and your manicures.

I am _NOT_ in any way shape or form jealous _NOR _am I into BDSM , please stop with your sick little fantasies.

Basically I can't afford to pay _anything_ until next month. I have a household to run and two brothers to support so if you're going to _force_ me to pay you're just going to have to wait until then alright?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu '??!'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu '?!?'**

**Subject: WHAT THE FUCK?**

What are you, fucking dead? I get that crackhead email and, being the mature guy I am, didn't reply. I get that you're angry and venting. Don't worry, chick, I'm here for you. Whatever.

AND NOW YOU DON'T SHOW UP TO CLASS. Where the fuck are you, noob? I was fucking kidding about the equipment, you don't gotta leave the country. Do you even have a passport? Don't travel illegally or anything because they do bad fucking things to illegal immigrants, seriously. You'll get rounded up like a cow and branded and shit. Then they'll sell your body and break your spirit and then you'll be _wishing_ you'd kept going to class, trust me.

So. WHERE ARE YOU?

Hidan.

P.S. To get this clear because I'm kinda freaked out by the idea of you flicking off to your delusions about me and Yamanaka, why the fuck would I do something just because of Nara? Hey, if that guy ain't got the marbles to make a move on a chick, then Jashin-sama should totally fucking smite him, seriously. He is so not my problem.

And just so you know, your royal highness (before you start getting all hot and bothered with fantasies of me and the hairy biker fuckers in jail), I didn't touch the stupid little blond. Oh, she so would have but then, I'm pretty sure she already _has_ with most of the fucking college. And you say she's a minor? Fuck, that's some fast work. I'm actually impressed, seriously.

Why would I stick it in the same place people have lost flashlights? Think about it, noob.

WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Worryingly Paranoid'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'No longer AWOL'**

**Subject: Re: WHAT THE FUCK?**

First off....you're _here for me_??

Allow me to laugh hysterically. That's really rich coming from the guy who _creates_ nearly all the problems in my life.

And as tempting as it is to simply leave you worrying about my whereabouts (since you seem so pathetically desperate to have me back) I have the strong suspicion you'd do something idiotic like break into the student files and find my address if I left you in the dark. And the last thing I want is for you to able harrass me in my own home as well as at school.

I've taken some leave from college to look after my brother Kankuro, he got knocked off his motorcycle about a week ago and while he is alright (in that the doctor says he's lucky to be alive considering the speed he came off at and he in fact just got a broken arm and small ton of abrasions) he currently needs alot of help to get around and I don't like to leave him alone for too long.

Don't worry I'm keeping up with work, I'm actually typing this at Shikamaru's (seeing as I'm sure I told you I don't have a computer at home...and just out of curiosity if I had left the country how exactly did you expect me to e-mail you back?) he's given me the worksheet so I can at least look through it and know what I'm missing. Just won't be able to practice it until I'm back at college, Shikamaru offered to let me use his to practice on but like I said I really don't like leaving Kankuro alone for that long.

Temari

PS What you may or may not have done with Yamanaka Ino is your own business. I was just expressing my concern as Shikamaru's friend and your...e-mail corespondant. If you were in jail taking it from murderers and drug dealers I wouldn't have anyone to e-mail and my typing speed has improved drastically since I started writing these on a regular basis.

Wow guess you are actually good for _something_ after-all who would've thought it?

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Ungrateful cow'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Has no idea why he fucking bothered'**

**Subject: RE: Re: WHAT THE FUCK?**

I'm good for a LOT of things sweetie. You find out.

How the fuck do I cause you problems, eh? Do *I* throw shit at *your* head? NO. Do I keep you company in class? Fuck yeah! If it wasn't for me you'd die of boredom, seriously.

I'm real sorry to hear about your brother. Even more sorry now that I hear you're off with fucking Nara. I bet your bro's thinking, why aren't there any fucking lights on, anyone here, hello? And you're all, ooooh let's play shogi with Nara, Kankuro will be fine. You act all fucking high and mighty, like you care about Nara's feelings over the blond stick, and check you out - playing with his shogi pieces.

Shameful, seriously. Jashin-sama fucking FROWNS on you, noob. You got some serious repenting to do or you're going straight to hell.

Hidan.

P.S. I already have your fucking address. But I don't go to chicks, they come to me.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Now who's PMSing?'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Thinking leaving the country wasn't such a bad idea'**

**Subject: Nice to hear from you too.**

Like what? Target practice?

If by 'keep me company' you mean torment me to the brink of insanity then yeah sure you keep me company.

I was round Shikamaru's for all of half-an-hour during which time I'm reliably informed by my other brother Gaara who I left keeping an eye on him that Kankuro slept solidly so you can stop trying to make me feel bad_ okay_? I was giving him a letter to give to Hayate (who has taken over from Genma as my personal tutor until he's willing to have me in the same room as him again and you know, doesn't cover his private area and flee whimpering in the opposite direction whenever I approach) to explain my absence.

And I'm going to Hell? Well okay that's fine by me because if you're going to be Heaven then I don't want to be anywhere near the place.

Temari

PS You have my address? There's a word for that and it's _stalking_.

...... and as I was about to send this, Shikamaru barrelled into the classroom with a rather nasty looking black eye and then locked himself in the supply cupboad. I'm going to go try and coax him out of there now, if I find out you had anything to do with this there will be hell to pay...


	5. Chapter 5

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_Hope you enjoy. PLEASE REVIEW! _

_

* * *

_**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Paranoid'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'So not interested'**

**Subject: Re: Nice to hear from you too.**

Sorry? I'm in the staff area right now, Kakuzu's fucking bitching my ear off about some computer in IT3 that keeps fucking going wrong. Look, it's not my problem if students try to look at porn in class time, right? Maybe if the net nanny software that cheapskate bastard paid out for wasn't so FUCKING USELESS, we wouldn't have these issues. Am I right or am I right? I'm so right, seriously.

I was just playing with ya. I know you take care of your brothers, don't get all fucking harpy on me. It's why you're in college, right? Well-paying career and all that. I ended up in college by accident, can you believe that? But it was free back then, probably because I didn't have a fucking house or a family, so I thought, why not?

I wouldn't stalk you, noob. With you already stalking me and shit, it would be kinda like a bad shoujo, you feel me?

Hidan.

P.S. I don't know what the fuck's up with Nara. Fight with his boyfriend or something? Who cares? By the way, I'm having my fucking lunch soon. So don't bother looking for me. Yup.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Obvious'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Not an idiot'**

**Subject: Nice try.**

Shikamaru is still refusing to leave the closet. He put forth the energy to actually _run_ into the classroom so I know whatever happened it was serious. Konan-sensei has sent Lee to get Kakazu-sensei to see if he can talk him out of there, since we need the worksheets which are obviously in the rather locked Shikamaru-inhabited storage cupboard.

It's now nearly half two, I _know_ you're not still having lunch and for once you're not here making my life a living hell so my only conclusion is that you're hiding.

Which means you are _so_ obviously responsible for Shikamaru's current condition. You know what I knew you were a bastard but why would you go hit someone as obviously harmless as Shikamaru? He's completely non-threatening and unconfrontational.

If you've just scared off my last refuge of sanity in his nuthouse then I am seriously going to....

Tell Gai-sensei you want help embracing the Power of Youth and that he should give you lots of manly hugs to encourage you.

Since violence doesn't seem to work on you we'll try psychological torture.

You were on the streets? How come? What happened to your folks?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Obviously IS an idiot'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Totally fucking innocent'**

**Subject: Re: Nice try.**

Hey, why can't I have my fucking lunch at half two? There's doughnuts and this weird smelly shit that actually tastes pretty good if you close your eyes and block your nose. And put salt on it. And maybe a little cheese.

And hey. If Kakuzu's going to pull that idiot out of the closet (since he totally ain't fucking 'coming out of the closet himself' bwahahahah), then that's why I'm not THERE, dumbass. Kakuzu needs me to watch HQ, you know? Do the paperwork, overlook the minions. Tch - the idea of hiding is _laughable_, seriously.

Hey, if that pansy fuck is scared of a few shadows or something, it ain't my bag. What the hell would I do to a fucker like that? Wouldn't that be, like, hitting a chick? I dont' hit chicks, noob. Seriously. 'Sides, someone probably just...I dunno. Roughed him up for being an advantage-taking, insensitive fucker. Who knows? Not me.

Ahh well, never really knew my folks. I was raised in a church with some scary fucking nuns, let me tell you. Those women had hair on their chests. And after that, when I got kicked out for being too old, 'cause I was like Jashin-sama's number one disciple I didn't really care about anything else so I just sort of wandered and spread the word. The streets weren't that bad, if you blocked your fucking nose.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Guilty as Sin'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Enjoying an Annoyance Free Lesson'**

**Subject: RE: Re: Nice try.**

You're not 'watching HQ' because I just asked Kakazu-sensei and he said he hadn't seen your 'time-wasting backside' since this morning. I'm supposed to tell you that he's not paying you to hide from the students and that several of the computers in IT1 need porn removing from their hard-drives (I hear Uzumaki got in a ridiculous amount of trouble for that initially but that it turns out it was actually Ebisu-sensei doing it. Who would have figured him for a pervert?).

'advantage-taking, insensitive fucker'? What the _hell_ do you mean by that? What's going on in that delusional brain of yours?

Oh Shikamaru's finally decided to unlock the door but he's still refusing to talk about exactly what happened (Kakazu-sensei is trying to get him to press charges, I think he's just dying for the chance to help someone sue you) he just keeps muttering 'I never did anything, I honestly never did anything...'

I think you've mentally damaged him.

However he seems to be marginally cheering up now Ino is tearfully clutching his injured head to her chest (and giving him an eyeful of cleavage in process) and declaring she'll take him to see the school nurse in what is a blatant ploy to simply get out of class.

You were raised by hairy chested nuns? So much is beginning to make sense, including your confusion regarding your sexual orientation.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Miserable spinster'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Sin? Fuck yeah!'**

**Subject: RE: Re: Re: Nice try.**

Ahh see I've only just come back on campus, seriously. I was out buying more USB leads because Kakuzu keeps fucking losing them, the useless dick.

Oh, come ON. There ain't anything to press charges about. So the whiny bitch got taught a lesson by some smart motherfucker, who gives a shit? He probably deserves it for some reason or another, right? He's what, a serial fucking advantage-taker? You shoulda smelled the coffee from the beginning noob, because you may be blond but I thought you at least had two brain cells to rub together. Why else would a guy stick around to help stupid chicks? That's, like, sick.

Like I know or care. I got work to do, you know. I thought you did too? Man, your grades must be fucking sucking.

Hidan.

P.S. Don't go dissing those fucking nuns - without them, I wouldn't have learned the ways of Jashin-sama and become a disciple to his ways. Don't be jealous because I'll be in God's right hand and all you heathen bitches will be sucking cocks in hell.

Tch. I bet you're life was just candy and roses then.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'God damn'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Not amused'**

**Subject: FW: Hidan you bastard**

Chick, take a little look at this email from MY FUCKING BOSS. I don't know what your problem is, seriously, but could you please keep your delusions out of my workplace? Okplzthanx. Fuck.

Hidan

Kiss. Kiss. _Kiss_.

**-----------------------**

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: kakuzu-techsupport **

**Subject: Hidan you bastard**

I've tried to work with you. I really, really have. I've even looked at you when I talk. Isn't that good enough? Don't I deserve a little PEACE?

If it wasn't for Pein-sama and his belief in your damned abilities, I'd have had you gone from here so fast you'd have been like a greyhound with a rocket up its rear, let me tell you.

He's not talking, but I just KNOW it was you who attacked and traumatised Nara Shikamaru, you dumb freakish OAF. I hope that boy presses charges against you, and then I can be rid of you and your pranks and your religion and your strange smell. What kind of a person spends that much money on soaps anyway?! How the hell do you sleep at night?!

And don't think I haven't been hearing rumours of some illicit affair with you and a student. They vary but 'stalking' and 'cock' and 'BDSM' pop up often. If you don't watch yourself I'll kill you myself! Now start doing some actual work before I drag your ass to Pein-sama and demand a replacement.

Then how will you buy your insanely overpriced cosmetics? Hmmm? You won't be able to, THAT'S HOW. Bastard.

Kakuzu. YOUR BOSS.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Busted'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Angry would be an understatement'**

**Subject: FW: Apology**

Oh yeah? Looks like we've both been getting interesting e-mail then.

For the last time- Shikamaru has _never _behaved in a manner that could be considered inappropriate to me not even by freaking _Victorian _standards. So what I've been to his house? You _beat up a guy_ because I've been in the same room as him alone?

Hey Asuma-sensei accidentally brushed against my butt while passing me in the hall yesterday, you want to go kick the crap out of _him_ too? (Not that you could)

I'm looking for you and when I find you there's going to be hell to pay you fucked up posessive _nutcase_.

Temari

**-----------------------------**

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Last hope'**

**From: nara-techsupport 'Fearing for his life'**

**Subject: Apology**

I am deeply sorry for being an advantage-taking, insensitive...er....person. I should never have abused my position of trust as your mentor. Which I should never have been in the first place as Hidan has far superior tech skills to me and was obviously a far better choice as your teacher.

Shikamaru

PS I'm begging- please you let Hidan know I sent this okay? Don't ask why, just....do it? As soon as possible? I'm verging on a complete breakdown from lack of coffee and I can't go into the staffroom because....well just let him know okay?

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Persistance isn't attractive'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Whatever'**

**Subject: Fine**

What the hell ever, YOU WIN. Happy? I punched that fucker and it was like punching butter, seriously. He fucking DESERVED it, no matter what you fucking say. And see - it was like reverse head trauma. He's making more fucking sense now then he ever did before. I AM superior, in every fucking way possible. The day you see that, you'll be so much better off, Temari.

Hidan.

P.S. You don't have Social Studies this week. Asuma-sensei's on leave


	6. Chapter 6

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_Hope you enjoy. PLEASE REVIEW! _

**

* * *

****To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Candidate for the Insane Asylum' **

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Bewildered' **

**Subject: Re: Fine**

Will you _please_ explain to me what is going on inside that thick skull of yours? I honestly don't understand why you would do something like that.

Come on here's your chance, I'm feeling reasonable, explain it to me. Do you have some weird religious obligation to go around maiming innocent tech support workers?

Temari

PS That better be a joke. He's _married_, with a kid on the way. And I was _kidding_. I'm starting to feel like if I told you I'd so much as played spin the bottle with guys back in the sixth grade you'd compile a hit list.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'So dumb'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'So not falling for it'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Fine**

Oh please. Now I know you're a natural blond, seriously. What, you honestly think guys like that are just 'out to help'? Are you that fucking retarded? He may seem like a nice guy with his laziness and his 'oooh I'm so smart' attitude, but he sure chased yoru fucking ambulance quick enough. You're seriously willing to put up with shit like that? Get some fucking self-esteem, before I beat it into you.

You're not bad looking, in a weird kind of way. And if brains were chocolate, you'd at least have an M&M. Open your fucking eyes. Not everyone's looking out for your best interests.

Hidan.

P.S. Oh, he just broke his leg. Skiing accident. He'll recover soon enough. He could use the break. I hear he's been real busy.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Overprotective Bastard'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Able to take care of herself thanks'**

**Subject: Oh great...**

....like I need _another_ brother. Seriously you sound just like Kankuro. Next thing you know you'll be sitting on our couch eating us out of house and home and refusing to let me watch anything decent on TV.

I am well aware the world is not all sunshine rainbows and lollipops thank _very_ much. And I am perfectly capable of dealing with men who turn out to be less than gentlemanly (as I proved beyond any reasonable doubt with Genma)

And if I didn't know better I'd think you just complimented me.

Temari

PS That better be true. When _exactly_ did he find time to go skiing between Tuesday and today?

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Suspicious witch'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Too sexy for his shirt'**

**Subject: Re: Oh great...**

How the fuck should I know. Do I look like his wife?

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Lady Boy'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Every reason to be Suspicious'**

**Subject: Re: RE: Oh great**

No course not....

She wears marginally less make-up than you.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: I don't get it**

What's going on with you, woman? You know, I can't even be fucking smug that I was right. About everything. About the bad people. I know you like to think you're a fucking tough cookie and you know what? You are. But you don't got the physical strength to stop some guy when he wants your fucking purse, seriously. Or more. What if he'd wanted more? What if I hadn't been there to help? You stupid stubborn witch.

But what really, really gets me? That you let me into your house, that you make _coffee_ for me. That you _kiss_ me and then throw me out like the fucking trash. I know you wanted it, Temari - I could feel it. You don't kiss someone like that for no fucking reason.

What are you, embarrassed that your brother saw? You too good for me or something? Or do you just like this game so fucking much you don't want it to end?

Let me know, Temari. 'Cause I don't fucking get you at all.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu**

**Subject: Re: I don't get it**

Firstly, please stop staring at me. Please. Okay I get it I messed up but if you keep staring at me like I just converted your puppy to Satanism the entire class is going to know somethings wrong.

And at least _pretend_ to be working?

I'm grateful for what you did, with the attacker and all. I still maintain I could have handled it on my own once I got over the shock but I can't deny that you being there made it easier. ( I won't bring up the matter of why you were following me in the first place because I've decided that in light of what happened it probably doesn't matter all that much.)

And yes I let you into my house, it was late ,it was raining and I thought you could use somewhere to wait while I ordered you a cab. I didn't think it would be very polite of me to make you wait outside in the freezing cold after you'd just helped me like you had.

As for...the other thing... it shouldn't have happened and I am so deeply sorry for the way I behaved. I'm not going to blame the fact I was shaken up from the attack because frankly I'm not the kind of person to hide behind circumstances.

You're an attractive guy, you know that (hell you hardly ever shut up about the fact) and you....well.... you were wet and....your shirt was....and....

well I guess I just lost my head for a moment.

Seeing Kankuro walking in brought me back to my senses and I realised that we really shouldn't be ...well you know. It's so inappropriate on so many levels. It's so _wrong_.

I apologise for throwing you out into the rain but I was embarrassed and flustered and quite honestly Kankuro looked like he wanted to hit you and a fight would've just been the last straw.

Once again I really am sorry.

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject RE: Re: I don't get it**

So that's it? That's your pathetic fucking excuse for everything? I take it back woman, you don't even have an M&M for a brain, you have a fucking CRUMB. You don't see what's right in front of you - that's sad, Temari, real sad.

You keep saying you'd have been fine. Oh really. How many other fucking rape victims say that, I wonder? Do you ever stop to think how thankful you are that you didn't get the chance to find out if you're really strong enough or not? Because if you hadn't you might actually be a bit fucking humble.

So you find me attractive. I find you attractive. What's the big fucking deal? You're still going around making excuses, shoving me out into the rain. I could have dealt with your brother, okay. And not just because he's still on fucking crutches after the accident - that would have been mere convenience, seriously.

You're not my damn student. I'm not your teacher. I don't mark your work in any fucking way, so it's not like you're whoring yourself out to me for a pass. I don't see what the problem is. Do you always spend so much time agonising over things that are so simple?

You know what, fuck that shit. Go find some guy who's willing to wait years to sift through the fucking cobwebs. You're giving me a headache.

I'm working now. Shut the fuck up. Please.

Hidan.


	7. Chapter 7

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_Hope you enjoy. PLEASE REVIEW! _

**

* * *

**

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Disturber of the peace'**

**From: nara-techsupport acc. edu 'Tired and wanting to nap'**

**Subject: Problem**

Okay I don't like you and you don't like me.

But we still have to work together, and we still both care about Temari's well-being right (well I care about it, and I think you do too in a really psychotic way)

So I'm just going to ask-

Have you had an arguement with Temari? I mean one a real one? (Since you two seem to use arguing as the basis for all your communication). Because everytime I see either of you, you both look like you want to punch something. And I'm getting increasingly worried it might be me (since I'm the likely to be the closest thing for Temari to take her frustration out on and since you seem to like punching me for no reason whatsoever)

But seriously, can't you just apologise for whatever it was you did? I really can't take her looking like she's wants to go on a homicidal rampage and/or cry everytime you're mentioned.

I hate trying to deal with emotional women.

Shikamaru

* * *

**To: nara-techsupport acc. edu 'Not lazy enough to keep his fucking nose out of things'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Fed up with this shit'**

**Subject: Re: Problem**

ME? APOLOGISE?

What the fuck for? Let me tell you little Nara lady, since you seem so fucking intent on hopping on this fucking bandwagon - that chick is NOT what you think she is.

She lets me into her home, and SHE kisses ME, and then just kicks me out into the rain. My hair got all messed up, seriously. I had to walk home like that, because I had no money for a fucking cab and no more buses were running. This is the thanks I get for saving her lousy ass.

You know what? I thought she was cool and maybe worth a little effort but fuck me sideways, I did not expect to have to dive through hoops and stick my head in a lion's mouth just for a bit of tail.

So you know what? Just tell her from me that I didn't WANT her kisses. Okay? That I can find a million women who'd kill for this. This right here.

In fact, there's one right now.

See ya, lady boy.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Clueless'**

**From: nara-techsupport acc. edu 'Going to nap now'**

**Subject: Re: Problem**

Lady boy? I could understand you using that if you were talking to Uchiha (either of them) or Sai or Orochimaru but not me.

You're not fooling anyone you know. With the Temari thing I mean.

And I see why you're upset with her but you've got to understand a few things.

One- She's never had a boyfriend, not really sure if it's because she scares guys off or that she's just not interested. From her reaction and everything, sounds pretty much like she gave you her first kiss.

Two- She has a big thing about setting a good example to her brothers. I guess she's worried you might be a bad influence on them or something.

The fact you even got her to kiss you, which pretty much affirms she's interested in you, is pretty positive coming from her. If you really want her maybe you should just keep trying.

Or give up. I'd feel happier if she wasn't with someone like you anyway. There are plenty of people in this school who would like to date her and wouldn't treat her like you do.

I guess the really troublesome thing is... you're the one who makes her happy.

Shikamaru

* * *

**To: nara-techsupport acc. edu 'Fuck off'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Bored now'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Problem**

You have a fucked up way of looking at things, lady boy. If that bitch has been happy the past couple of weeks then I would HATE to see that shit PMSing. I don't know. My head hurts. I think I need to pray and get it out of my system.

Hidan.

P.S. Fucked Yamanaka yet? That chick is so gagging for it. She leaves trails like a snail, seriously.

* * *

**To: sabakug gakurehigh. edu 'Baby brother'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Big sister'**

**Subject: Hey Gaara**

Hey, it's your big sister here

Bet you never thought you'd be getting an e-mail from me huh? Guess these computer classes are paying off after-all.

Okay, thing is, I find myself short of an e-mail correspondant and since I don't exactly know many people around here you're going to be it. I asked your therapist about it on the phone last night and she said that it would be a good bonding exercise for us.

So what's new with you? How're things going with that girl you liked?

love,

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**Subject: Re: Hey Gaara**

Hi Temari. Are you doing this because Chiyo-baa told you to? You don't have to.

She is good. I sit next to her in class. She used to sit next to someone else but he got third degree burns and can't sit there anymore. She still looks like bubblegum and fidgets when I stare at her.

You might hear from my sensei. I was practising kyoukushin in gym and some idiot got in the way of my kick.

Gaara.

* * *

**To: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: RE: Hey Gaara**

Of course I'm not doing this because I _have_ to, don't be silly. I want to, sometimes I feel like I barely know you and...well.... I'd like to.

Ah well when people fidget when you look at them it generally means they like you (unless you're really staring, I mean you _are_ looking away occasionally right?). Is she looking at you then looking away then looking back again? That's a pretty sure-fire way to tell she likes you.

I can't believe you're taking an interest in girls, it's great to see you finally coming out of your shell like this. Just....don't take after Kankuro too much okay? I mean an interest is fine but he spends a little _too_ much of his time chasing girls.

Someone got in the way of your kick? Oh well I'll deal with it. After that call about the gym fire, I don't get worked up about your teachers calling me anymore you know that.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**Subject: Re: Re: RE: Hey Gaara**

She goes red and looks at me so I don't think she minds. Why would I look away? I blink. Sometimes.

I don't understand this 'interest in girls'. Why does it happen? I thought I liked her poetry. I thought I wanted to set fire to guys for listening to her poetry. Is that what happens with Kankurou?

Why do you need someone to email, Temari? Does this have anything to do with the 'pretty-face horndog bastard' Kankurou saw?

Gaara.

* * *

**To: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Oh dear...  
**  
Gaara, I thought we were making progress on this. Remember what the therapist said? Setting fire to things doesn't solve your problems and will probably scare this girl away.

And blinking is probably a good idea.

It happens because you're growing up and interest in girls is a very natural thing to happen at this point in your life. Erm....father _did_ have a talk with you about this before he died right? Or Uncle?

Kankuro said..._what_? Erm... don't listen to _anything_ Kankuro tells you okay? I had a friend over the other night while you were out at your therapy session and Kankuro wasn't too pleased about it, that's all.

And he's not a 'pretty-face horndog b*****...' (I don't want you using language like that by the way, I know Kankuro does but he shouldn't either) he's ...well kindof like a teacher from my school. He helps out in the IT department.

That's all.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**Subject: Re: Oh dear...  
**  
She likes fire. She writes about it in her poetry.

What talk? Is this the talk where I'm a murderer, or the talk where I'm not supposed to...talk? They didn't really say anything else. Or is this the talk that involves masturbation killing kittens?

Kankurou told me that he saw you kissing someone in our kitchen. He's the same one you were talking to on the phone to your friend about. Was he the one you emailed? Why don't you email him anymore?

Gaara.

* * *

**To: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: RE: Oh dear...**

Well writing about liking things in poetry and liking it when someone sets fire to the boy sitting next to you are two different things.

Oh...um....Gaara, they have sex ed in your school right? Please, please tell me they do. If they don't....ask Kankuro about it.

Actually wait, that's a terrible idea.

I'll just get you some books from the library about it. But you must have had some sex ed classes by now right? _Right_?

Kankuro swore on pain of death he wouldn't _tell_ you about that. And you really shouldn't listen in to private conversations Gaara.

Hidan is my friend, not anything else, we're just having some space at the minute because I realised that kissing him was a bad thing to do.

I...I don't think he wants to e-mail me anymore.

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**Subject: Re: Re: RE: Oh dear...**

I see. In future, I'll ask Sakura if she wants that person to sit with her. If she doesn't, I won't...set him on fire.

I think they have sex ed. I didn't think I would need it, and the teachers told me I probably wouldn't. I thought it might be an etiquette class.

I wasn't listening to private conversations. You were being really loud and giving me a headache. It's very annoying when I'm trying to study.

I don't understand. If you didn't want to kiss...Hidan, why did you do it? You never used to regret decisions or second guess yourself. That's been one of the best things about you. You live with your mistakes. And everyone elses.

If he won't email you, you should email him. If he's a friend. You don't normally have friends.

Gaara.

* * *

**To: sabakug gakurehigh. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Your school is pretty useless**

Good, see you _can_ talk things out like the therapist suggested.

I'm going to have a word with your teacher... I really think that you shouldn't be allowed to opt out of those classes without them at least consulting me. And I'll get you some books out of the library...if you have any specific questions... I'll try my best to answer them okay?

It's complicated, there are alot of issues that you wouldn't understand yet. But you're right, I should just suck it up and e-mail him.

Thanks Gaara,

Temari

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu**

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Apology**

If you look in your cubby hole I left you a gift to say sorry for everything. Both what happened last week and for avoiding you ever since.

I still want to be your friend, Hidan. As ridiculous as it sounds I've missed you making my life unbearable.

Temari


	8. Chapter 8

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_Hope you enjoy. PLEASE REVIEW! _

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Apology**

OH MY FUCKING GOD how the hell did you know I use Honey Bee bath ballistics? That's fucking uncanny, seriously O_O. I have never fucking tried that Melting Marshmellow melt bar thing before, but it's good. I'll just be going about my business and suddenly I'm like, what's that great smell? Then I realise it's me. It's fucking weird.

...thanks, noob. Yeah.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Does smell good'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Midly embarrassed still'**

**Subject: Glad you liked it**

Yes you smell good.

Really I don't think shoving my head into your neck and demanding I experience just how wonderful your scent is really helped those 'we're having an illicit affair' rumours though.

Admittedly the way Ino's eyes bugged out of head like that was amusing.

And I'm _not _blushing by the way, the AC is broken it's just warm.

Temari.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Doesn't smell bad herself'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Smells amazing'**

**Subject: Re: Glad you liked it**

Do you realise you practically gave me a fucking hi...uh, surprise? You know, agreeing with me. Seriously. These seats are kinda uncomfortable. They're not good for, uh, balance.

Yeah, the AC must be broken. It's kinda hot in here. Are the windows open? How are we meant to work in these fucking conditions, seriously?

Good thing about heat is that it makes smells stronger. Bet you can smell me all the way over there, right? Heh.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Okay smells absolutely fantastic then'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Has great taste in bath products'**

**Subject: Re: RE: Glad you liked it**

Erm....yeah.....sorry about that, I was talking and your shoulder kind of got in the way when you pulled me in. Hope I didn't hurt you or anything?

We should complain to Konan-sensei, I mean you're looking pretty flushed, it can't be healthy to be this warm. There's probably regulations against it.

Yes, I can smell you from over here. You're not working on the computer next to me for once I notice, you picked one so far away this time. I...can't seem to concentrate on this stupid worksheet for some reason and could use some help.

You're not still angry are you?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'So obviously uses Happy Pill products'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Yep, smells absolutely fantastic'**

**Subject: Re: Re: RE: Glad you liked it  
**  
No no no, I just have to actually do some fucking work today - Uzumaki visited one amazing collection of porn sites on this PC and totally fucking wrecked the system with spyware and shit. Don't know why they let him stay in these classes, seriously.

I'm not hurt. Not really. Well, I...ache, but I don't hurt. And it's really, really fucking hot in here. Are the windows - yep, there's like three open. Shit. Balmy day, huh? With all the...raining that's going on. Must be a storm coming or something.

Um...what do you need 'help' with?

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Looking kind of red'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Too warm'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: RE: Glad you liked it**

Oh god your shoulder aches? I didn't think I did it that hard. Sorry. Maybe you should see the school nurse?

And yes....must be building up to a thunderstorm or something because it's so hot. Do you think we could get the fourth window open? I mean it's practically unbearable in here I've already had to take my sweater off. Didn't really think it would be tank top weather this early in the year. Weird huh?

Well I've got a problem I just can't seem to deal with myself, I thought with you being more experienced with this kind of thing you could help me out?

You did say I should come to you and not Shikamaru in future didn't you?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Um'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu '...'**

**Subject: Oops...?  
**  
Hey hey! Don't go all fucking quiet on me again, noob! The novelty wears off quick, seriously!

How else was I fucking supposed to interpret that last email? Geez, I'm sorry I didn't realise you were being' literal', whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean! It's just, you were right there, and your shoulder was bare, and you said you needed 'help' and 'experience'...

Sorry, okay? Fuck, I'm gonna go switch on the fan. It's fucking baking, Jashin-sama help me.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Misinterpreter of plainly obvious e-mails'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Hopes that was a computer keyboard in your pocket'**

**Subject: Re: Oops...?**

Oh god, oh _god_.... Ino saw. _Shikamaru_ saw. _Konan-sensei saw._

This is going to be all over the school by lunchtime. No wait just saw Ino pull out her mobile and start texting frantically, it'll be all over the school in _five minutes_.

I now have a red mark on my shoulder. It's.... kinda tingly, is it _supposed_ to feel like that? I really don't want to have to go to the nurse and explain where it came from.

Maybe I should go the nurse anyway, I'm feeling kind of faint.

Why would you _think_ I would say something like that? I was talking about not being experienced on _computers_ nothing else....

And why would you assume I'm inexperienced? Do you think I'm incapable of getting a boyfriend or something?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'CALM DOWN'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Is calm - learn from this fucking example'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Oops...?  
**  
Hey hey, take it easy noob. I mean...they totally fucking thought we were banging anyway, right?

Er, I mean. Stay calm, seriously. Yeah...tingling. And heat. And this tense feeling in your stomach? And lower down, too. And a helluva lot more. But...yeah.

I couldn't help it! It's so fucking hot, and you've been really nice, and then there was your shoulder, like, 'bite me Hidan' so...

Sorry, sorry, sorry. I'm sorry for biting you and I'm sorry for standing so damn close to you.

I ain't just assuming anything though, Temari. Hell, I'd have totally said you were sassy and one hell of a seductress. That fuckface Nara said you've never had a boyfriend, so I just figured...you know.

Gah.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Too laid back for once'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Sees nothing to be calm about'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Oops...?**

Don't remind me. I'm infamous as that girl who's going to bed with 'the hot IT assistant' and nothing I say or do will convince people it's not true (not that they'd likely believe me anyway after you GAVE ME A HICKEY IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE IT CLASS)

If you're implying I'm....sexually exicited by that you're _so_ wrong. I'm not. Totally not.

If anyone's turned on by this ridiculous scenario it's you. I mean seriously, you think I didn't feel that..._thing_ you were pressing into my back. Good god, I mean... surely it's uncomfortable to have something like _that_ in your trousers?

Excuse me I have to go kill Shikamaru now, that confidence betraying little _bastard_.

Temari


	9. Chapter 9

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_Hope you enjoy. Thanks to the people who've reviewed so far! To others...PLEASE REVIEW! _

**

* * *

****To: sabakut acc. edu 'Surprisingly good cook'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Hungry again'**

**Subject: Just to say...**

Thanks for dinner! It was really fucking swell - I had no idea you could cook like that, seriously. Glad you invited me.

Your brothers were interesting. Well - the older one was a freakish jealous-possessive nut. Don't know what to say about that, noob. I think I'll just fucking move on, right? But Gaara was cool. Did you know he's got his eye on some lucky chick? Man, kids these days.

Just saw your last email. Didn't reply to it in class, what with being kicked out by that fucker Konan and all. And then I decided to just leave work and go shopping.

Heheh, what you felt could shadow a _-_ I mean, sorry about that. That and the...hickey. Sorry.

Cook for me again? Thanks, Temari \(^_^)/ ---- just for you, noob

Hidan. X

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Uninvited guest'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Reluctant hostess'**

**Subject: Re: Just to say...**

Okay for starters I didn't invite you, you turned up at my house with no warning and Gaara for some reason I don't understand decided to let you in. And what part of it do you think went well? The part where Kankuro tried to beat you around the head with his crutches after he put two and two together about the hickey? Or the part where the two of you were competeing to see who could get the most expletives in a single sentence?

At least you had the decency to bring flowers I suppose.

Thank you ( even though Kankuro tried to put them down the waste disposal)

My brother....was _confiding_ in you? _Gaara_? Gaara who it took four therapy sessions to even confirm his name to the psychologist? Gaara who would much rather _set fire to_ than talk to strangers?

I...don't know what to say about that. (That must be why he was asking me for your e-mail address right?)

I'm glad you liked my cooking but it was just Ochazuke it's very basic. I bet you live on takeout or something don't you?

And what is '\(^_^)/' supposed to be? Some kind of computer language I don't know?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Playing coy'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Invited by the come-hither eyes'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Just to say...**

Your cooking was great! I can SO cook - too much take out makes my skin bad, seriously. I'm just not that fucking good at it. Average, maybe. I get by.

Yeah, that Kankurou guy was fucking insane. I hope you keep him on a leash, seriously. Any more leeway and he'd be sticking you in a chastity belt with a zillion fucking padlocks. He way you've never had a boyfriend? Would NOT be surprised.

Gaara was _cool_, seriously. He knew things about fire I bet fucking professionals don't know. Did you know he burned down his gym? Well, duh. Of course you knew. But isn't that fucking wild? Shit.

Yeah I guess he wanted my email because of, you know. Girl problems. We've all been in that fucking boat at one point or another. You chicks, you get us bending over backwards like bitches, seriously.

You enjoyed my company, admit it. Don't think I didn't notice.

Hidan.

P.S. What are you, serious?! That's a SMILEY. Shit, didn't that chick Nara teach you anything? It's like a smiley face, only for computers. See - the dashes are the little arms, and the upwards things are the little happy fucking eyes...

Here's one ---- (#-_-#) that was you in class yesterday. See what I mean? Heh.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Sees invitations that aren't there'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Wouldn't even know how to play coy'**

**Subject: Re:Re: Re: Just to say...**

I still don't think you'd be that impressed with my cooking if you were used to good food but nevermind.

You want me to cook for you again? Fine but it'll have to be at your place, Kankuro's eye twitches everytime you're mentioned. I don't want him having a complete breakdown while he's recovering from his accident.

He's _not_ insane, he's just looking out for me (something you of all people should understand, need I bring up the Shikamaru incident). And like _I_ need a chastity belt...

I've heard about Gaara's girl problems. I fail to see how you'll be any help to him, your methods aren't exactly stellar (I'm warning you, if you tell him to burn things I will kill you. Painfully.) Just don't turn my baby brother into some Don Juan wannabe okay?

And fine, it was....entertaining to have you around. If you and Kankuro had gotten on the evening might have even been pleasent.

Temari

PS A smiley? I thought they were those ':)' things? I guess it's kinda cute.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Just to say...**

You...at my place? Well fuck. Hell yeah - totally. Let's have a fucking party. Well, I mean fucking party, not _fucking_ party, because that would...well, unless you - nevermind.

So...when?

Please - I wouldn't teach your brother anything he would find in any respectable book or DVD. And my methods work just fine, noob. I don't see any fucking problem with my methods from here, heheh.

How is the Nara chick, by the way?

Had a seriously GREAT evening, Temari. Let me know when you're gonna fucking hotfoot it down to here. Can't wait...

Hidan. X

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Not a bad host'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Clumsy but still a great cook'**

**Subject: I had a good time...**

Sorry I didn't reply to this before but since I bumped into you in the corridor there didn't seem much point.

I think Thursday night went...pretty well. I mean your apartment is suprisingly clean (and honestly far less girly than I was expecting. There were no framed pictures of yourself at all it was perception altering.)

I'm sorry for the whole falling into your lap incident. But it was either me or the scalding hot soup. And if I'd put two teachers out of comission in that area I really think the college might've got nervous about me attending.

And sorry I had to leave early....Kankuro you know. He didn't want me staying out too late and I really didn't want to leave him on his own anyway, not for the entire evening.

Hope the whole kiss on the cheek thing wasn't overstepping any student/teacher boundaries....wait a minute what am I _saying_? You gave me a hickey in class. I guess if that's not overstepping boundaries then nothing is.

Shikamaru is being pretty throughly chased by Ino. He's terrified and has taken to jumping at loud noises. I'm not sure whether to be amused or sympathetic but considering he told someone he had no right to that I was a virgin I think I'll go with spitefully amused.

I'm just off to let Ino know where he's hiding now...

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: I had a good time...**

I'm not your teacher, you realise that right? I'm just the head fucking tech - I get to clean up everybody's shit is all. Konan and Itachi are the only teachers in this joint...

There aren't any boundaries to cross, seriously.

So, you know. I'm seriously fucking grateful to you for giving up your dignity rather then burn my nuts off, but...if that was an excuse, you don't need to bother.

And if you're looking to get experienced, well - it really should be with someone who knows what they're doing, right? And someone who can make it real fucking good, too.

Remember, noob. So not your teacher.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Re: I had a good time...**

_WHAT?_

I thought we were getting passed this...damn stupid sex obsession you have. I'm _not_ attracted to you Hidan, I don't damn well _want_ to sleep with you alright? You think just because I'm a virgin I must be desperate? Is _that_ it?? I'm perfectly happy to wait I don't need you to take _pity_ on me or whatever it is you think you're doing.

Not to mention you can still get _fired_ for fraternising with students in that way... I mean seriously don't you _ever_ think_ anything_ through?

I mean what do you think Kakazu-sensei would do if I forwarded that e-mail to him? God you're lucky I'm not that kind of person.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Idiot'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Not fooled'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: I had a good time...**

Okay, you know what? I WAS TRYING TO BE NICE. But I'm not gonna beat around the fucking bush anymore. I have no idea why the fuck you're still trying on the 'I'm not attracted to you, let's just be friends' bullcrap - it ain't working, noob. Because the other night, when you 'fell' into my lap? You were wearing a fucking DRESS, Temari, and my hand was in my lap.

Which means I copped a handful. Know what that means? I felt how 'UNATTRACTED' you are - capiche? Don't fucking joke around. Man, and I hadn't even made a single move towards you to make you that fucking horny. I must be damn good. Or hot. Or both - whatever.

Let me know when you're out of denial.

Hidan


	10. Chapter 10

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

This RP is almost finished now! We have ideas for a possible sequel in the works, and we're definitely doing some drabbles set in this AU for the characters we voice - this now includes these new lists (from our ideas for the sequel) along with some others I may have forgotten *sweatdrop*:

Rel = Temari, Shikamaru, Kankurou, Tenten, Sakura

Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu, Gaara, Shino, Hinata

I've seen how many hits this RP is getting, so I must ask...if you read and like, please review! Reviews are very important and they encourage the rabid fangirls in us to write more.

**

* * *

****To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Is the Idiot'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'The sensible one'**

**Subject: Home truths**

Okay _fine_ I'm physically attracted to you at times, but I would still _never_ sleep with you.

Even if you weren't so far up your own ass, even if you weren't such a cocky sex obsessed bastard, even if you weren't practically my teacher, _even_ if we could actually go for longer than a week without fighting...

Because I can control myself.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Loser'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Pitying'**

**Subject: Re: Home truths**

Yeah yeah, sure sure *yawn* oh, look at the fucking time - it's bullshit o'clock. Well, apart from the part where you're attracted to me. That's obvious.

Well, I guess I better cut my losses (har har) and find myself a chick who doesn't kid herself. Besides - I need someone who can keep up with me, seriously. Sorry, noob.

By the way, Gaara invited me over for dinner.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Pest'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Annoyed and put-upon'**

**Subject: Dinner**

You've got to stop inviting yourself over. No I'm _not_ buying that 'Gaara invited me' crap.

And you really need to get some concept of personal space. Don't think I didn't notice you 'accidentally' bumping into me in a borderline inappropriate manner all damn evening. I know what you're trying to do and I've got news for you, it's _not_ working. And I saw Gaara taking notes, what _exactly _have you been telling him?

Also no need to thank me from stopping Kankuro from stabbing you with his bread knife over the 'puppets' incident ( I should have warned you, he gets very touchy if people call them dolls). Wouldn't have wanted to spend the evening cleaning up the mess you would've made bleeding out on my carpet.

Next time you stay ridiculously late playing Xbox with Gaara you can walk home, you're not staying on the couch again. No I don't care what the rain does to your hair.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Way too paranoid'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Totally innocent'**

**Subject: Re: Dinner**

Are you trying to tell me something, noob? I mean, shit - your brother invited me over and somehow, you're making this about you. I don't get it, seriously. Just because you were in the way a bunch of times doesn't fucking mean I'd be 'bumping into you' - it just means you were in the fucking way. Maybe you were doing it on purpose? Who knows. Even Jashin-sama's washed his hands of you.

You know, I knew there was something weird about Kankurou but DAMN. I was kidding when I asked where your fucking bedroom is, but that dude? "Come sleep with me Temari, just in case". EW. That's fucking sick, you know. You realise you're not safe in your own home, right? There are some real deviants out there, seriously.

Oh, and sorry if I bothered you what with the whole not liking shirts thing. I feel better with just my bare skin, you know? I was born that fucking way, it's natural. Completely natural. And a total crime to cover up a torso like mine.

Tell Gaara thanks for a GREAT time, heh

Hidan

P.S. Seriously though, keep an eye on that brother of yours. I thought the doll thing was weird, but fuck me.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Allergic to shirts?'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Not paranoid at all'**

**Subject: Re: RE: Dinner**

Firstly....Kankuro totally thought you were going to come rape me in my sleep (not that I blame him after the way you were carrying on, deny it all you want I'm not that oblivious) _that_ was why he asked me to sleep in with him, we used to do it when we were kids all the time.

You realise it's just not polite to start _stripping off _in someone elses house like that? Fine you want to run around shirtless in your own home, knock yourself out just don't do it in mine.

Bet it kills you to have to wear shirts to college then right? Is that why they're constantly half unbuttoned?

I think you're starting to have a bad influence on Gaara, his teacher has called me into a conference to talk about his recent 'abnormal and inappropriate behaviour towards Haruno Sakura'. Thanks, thanks alot you've turned my little brother into a pervert.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'D-E-N-I-A-L'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Proud'**

**Subject: Parent-teacher meeting  
**  
No, seriously. They create some serious fucking bonding, don't you agree?

Your brother has SKILLS, noob. He dry-humped a chick in front of a class full of people - that takes balls, Temari, you gotta give him some fucking credit. I'm kinda proud right now. Little Gaara's gonna get some. Glad someone is, ne?

That Anko teacher was a fucking hoot! Kind of. She was also a little scary. Did you see that fucker wiggle her tongue at me like I was some sorta ice cream? That made me lose it, not get it. Gross beyond words. Thanks for rescuing me from her by the way, wife (and by rescue, I mean get fucking PISSED) - couldn't have done it without you, seriously. Knew I married you for a reason (^_^)

What the fuck made her think we were married, d'you think? Hmmmm.

Didn't like all that shit she was saying about Gaara though - does everyone at that fucking school look down on him like that? No wonder's he's a little messed up. Man, I fucking hate teachers. I wouldn't have seriously gone along, really, but he wanted me to so I figured, hey - I'll go.

Hope he didn't let that bitch of a teacher's comments get to him, seriously.

Hidan

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Temporary Husband'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Looking into divorce'**

**Subject: Re: Parent-teacher meeting**

You owe me big time. I mean hugely _massively_ owe me.

Admittedly it was quite funny to see you try and deal with someone who was even more obvious with her come-ons than you are. I mean god who says 'Hey I know a great BDSM club downtown' in a _parent-teacher conference_.

I was tempted to deny it when you said we were married, but even I'm not heartless. I mean, that woman was _terrifying_. (Though you do realise if she checks the dates you gave when we got married that totally makes me a child bride? I would've been all of _fifteen_.) And of course I was going to get pissed, I mean she didn't know we weren't dating did she? I mean anyone comes into a conference like that together you're supposed to assume they're a couple right? It was just completely damn inappropriate of her to start playing up to you like that. Plus she was completely ignoring me when _she asked me_ there to talk about Gaara. I could have hit her.

Still, using it as an excuse to grope my ass was pretty low of you, sorry for _accidentally_ stepping on your foot. And okay I get it had to be convincing but there was no call to kiss me, _really_. Especially not for that length of time.

If there was anywhere else to send him I'd pull him out of that school in a second, they're all scared of him after the 'gym incident' and it means they all treat him like an outsider. He doesn't say much but I'm sure it gets him down.

I really hope your retarded advice hasn't made this Sakura girl hate him, I mean he really seems to like her.

'Your loving wife'

Temari

PS Oh _crap_ Ino just saw how I signed this..... I'm willing to bet that the rumour mill will be saying we eloped and got married now.... *has given up caring*

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Meanie'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Suffering'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Parent-teacher meeting**

**  
**Okay okay okay, I owe you. For rescuing me from a woman obviously straight from the bowels of hell, for letting me touch your ass (nice, by the way), and for...kissing me. For a while. Which - again - nice. Very.

Doubt Gaara would wanna transfer anyway. Not now that he's found his fucking 'bubblegum' (why the hell does he keep calling her that?). He's tough though - no freaky bondage-loving nutbar's gonna get him down.

Your loving husband,

Hidan. x

P.S. Kakuzu's just started fucking screaming at me about 'eloping' to Gretna Green so yeah, Yamanaka's making up some interesting shit. When the hell would I find the time to travel to Scotland? Some people are dumb as fuck, seriously.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Temporary(?) Husband'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Decided Divorce was too expensive'**

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Parent-teacher meeting**

Okay I admit....the whole kissing thing wasn't bad.

..........

.....

...

Fine it was great.

And I'll choose to just say 'thank you for the compliment'. I know, I know, I must be in one _hellava_ good mood today. You haven't been slipping prozac into my soda have you?

Apparently she has pink hair. Weird no? Makes me wonder if she's a bit of a punk or something, but from how Gaara's described her she seems almost preppy.

'The ol' ball and chain, the little woman etc etc'

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Important**

Come to the office please, noob. Got some work stuff to talk to you about.

Hurry.

Hidan.


	11. Chapter 11

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_I've seen how many hits this RP is getting, so I must ask...if you read and like, please review! Reviews are very important and they encourage the rabid fangirls in us to write more._

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Seducer of innocent students'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Mortified'**

**Subject: Going to go die now...**

You are never allowed to be alone in the same room as me. Ever again._ EVER._I have bruises in places I didn't know exsisted (from the wall I think, or possibly the filing cabinet), several hickeys in thankfully concealable locations and I appear to have lost my....bra. If you have it, fork it over _now._

No I'm not blaming you for....what happened (thought I completely could, you totally lured me up there for that express purpose. Bastard.) We're both at fault, we just have to never do anything like that ever again.

Really.

NEVER.

I've apologised to Kakazu-sensei (he really seems to hate you, what have you done to make his eyes get that glint of mad fury in them everytime someone mentions your name? I'd be scared if I was you). He just said that if he had his way you'd be fired and I'd be expelled for bad judgement and that in future could we not go near his desk.

How did we even end up on the desk _anyway_?

Temari

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: kakuzu-techsupport acc. edu**

**Subject: PAY UP**

Right now. I mean it, you self-indulgent cradle-robbing bastard. I can't believe you. I just can't believe you and how lucky you are. How are you so lucky? HOW?

I went to Pein-sama! I said, "Pein-sama, Hidan was DRY HUMPING a student. On my desk! On the damned receipt I was going to get reimbursed!"

And Pein said, "He's the best tech in the city."

You. The best. I don't know how much cock you had to suck Hidan, but I swear I will find a way to get rid of you even if I have to kill you and ship your body to France. Why France, you say? Because you smell like a French whorehouse. And if you can afford to smell like a French whorehouse, you can afford to pay me for the suspicious substances you left on my desk AND on the receipt.

What the hell were you thinking? Were you just going to have sex with her right there in the office? THINK OF THE GENE POOL. If you passed on your line I would seriously have to hang myself. And I haven't even reached the zenith of my life yet. You fucking bastard.

I'm forced to turn a blind eye to how you're ruining the student population with your demon seed but trust me you ugly son of a bitch, you WILL PAY and I will take it out of your paycheck if I have to. And I'll take away two days of your holiday. Go buy yourself women's scents now, fuckface.

YOUR BOSS,

Kakuzu.

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Going to die now...**

I'm confused (yet again - you've got a fucking knack, seriously). At what point between YOU kissing ME senseless and you coming around my fingers have you suddenly gone back to being all meek? You seemed like a real decisive, tough chick to me. This on-off shit isn't you, Temari.

Hidan.

P.S. Kakuzu's still a virgin. THAT'S why he hates me.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: RE: Going to go die now....**

Momentary lapse of judgement. God help me for a minute there you were being _nice_ and I thought....

Forget it I was being stupid.

I am _not_ going to be another notch in your fucking bedpost okay?

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Re: Re: Going to go die now...**

Holy fucking SHIT. Is that what you're thinking?

Let me tell you something, Temari - do you have any fucking idea how many chicks throw their numbers at me? How many offers I get on a daily basis? And some of these women could be Miss Universe, I swear - they're fucking incredible with amazing racks and legs that go on forever.

But I put time, energy and what's left of my fucking sanity into you. Why? Fuck knows. But it's not just because I want to fuck you and then fuck off, seriously. That was never the plan, godammit. Think I'd come to your house for that? Go to your brother's parent-teacher thing? Try so fucking hard to begin with?

You realise you're the only chick I can remember half the time? Face AND name? It's because you're so fucking weird and so different. I don't know what the hell it is about you - it's like some kind of reverse head-trauma where everything that should be wrong is right instead. I totally get that, I totally love that about you, I don't wanna just fuck you and say - well, fuck it.

Tch, I dunno.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject:.....**

_'I totally love that about you'_

Did you....really mean that?

And.... thank you. I.... I mean... it means alot.

You're pretty memorable yourself.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: OUT OF OFFICE REPLY (Re: .....)**

I'm out of the office right now, motherfuckers. Whatever the hell it is you want, shut the fuck up and wait. I'll get back to you as soon as I can be bothered.

If this is Kakuzu - if it's about money, look...I know you need it to buy a chick (it's the only way you can get one, right?) but what your STD flavour of the day is right now is SO not my fucking concern, seriously.

If it's Nara...I told you, I'm not fucking interested. Quit stalking me before I call the cops.

Hidan (God of Sex)


	12. Chapter 12

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_Thanks to all who've reviewed! _

_**TaintedMoonlight:** Yeah, would you believe it's harder to keep Hidan in character in an AU, where the rules become your own, then it is in canon? We try as hard as we can to keep the characterisation as close to canon as possible while introducing real world attributes but it's bloody hard sometimes! _

_The Gaara parts...I must admit, those are only scratching the surface of what's been planned for and will be appearing in the fic this is based off of, Crossing Wires, where GaaSaku is the second dominant pairing. It's just basically that Gaara has issues, has been getting over the worst of them and has taken a liking to Sakura. But for our dear, confused Gaara, this liking shows itself in interesting ways. And then Hidan has to go and mess things up further by giving Gaara 'advice'. _

_I'm glad you like, and hope you carry on reading!_

_Okay guys, this is the penultimate chapter. Only one more to go, and then we'll have to start something new. This chapter introduces Kankurou, Rel's husband (heehee)._

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: puppetmaster1337 hotmail. com**

**Subject: Alright you total bastard...**

...what the hell did you do to Temari?

She was crying.

_Crying_.

I haven't seen my sister cry since she was three and I pushed her off the jungle gym. I mean she doesn't get upset, she gets angry and she hits things. That's _normal_ that's the Temari I know and love.

You've turned my sister into some kind of....._girl._

She won't tell me exactly what happened so you better tell me pronto or I'm finding out where you live and I'm coming round and smashing that pretty face through the nearest window.

Crap,

Gaara just told me to ask if you got her pregnant (Temari got him, like, sex books from the library he's a bit too interested in the subject now).

You didn't did you?

If you fucking did I'm.... I'm.... _crap_ if you did there's nothing that can be painful enough for you to endure but I'll start by removing your fucking dick so you can never do it again.

Fuck you better not have.

Reply asshole or I'm hunting you down.

Kankuro

* * *

**To: puppetmaster1337 hotmail. com**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Alright you total bastard...**

Why don't you fuck off out of business that doesn't have anything to do with you, shit for brains?! I've been SILENT - when I'm silent, it means I'm THINKING. When I'm thinking, it means DON'T FUCK WITH ME.

I didn't fucking do anything to her, seriously - nothing that would make her cry. I did NOT get her pregnant - chance would have been a fine fucking thing. So she's pure - happy now, you sick fuck?

Just fuck off, okay?

Hidan

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: puppetmaster1337 hotmail. com**

**Subject:Re: RE: Alright you total bastard...**

No I will not 'fuck off' I want to know what happened.

It's got to do with me because I have to live with her. And this is worse than when she's PMSing. Because at least then she's just angry, not sad. Not moping around like someone just killed her puppy. Angry is Temari's base state of being. Angry I can deal with.

You made my sister cry, asshole.

There's going to be payback.

I know it's to do with you because she's been acting so weird ever since you first appeared it's _got_ to be to do with you. No one else could mess up her this badly.

And that better be true for your sake, about the pregnancy thing. All I know if you got her to kiss you, you might've got her to do more. I mean fuck the last guy to try anything on with Temari got his damn balls handed on to him on a plate.

So she obviously likes you, fuck knows why. And maybe you took advantage of that fact and forced her into something _huh?_ And what the hell do you mean _'chance would have been a fine thing'_ so you _do_ want to screw around with my sister??

Just try it asshole. I'll fucking _kill_ you.

Kankuro

* * *

**To: nara-techsupport acc. edu**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: HELP**

Nara, you've gotta fucking help me. You like the Sabaku Insanity Institute, right? God damn this is embarrassing, but I'm BEGGING you to make them leave me alone. That sick fucker Kankurou's after my nuts and I treasure them like you would not believe.

TELL THEM I DIDN'T GET TEMARI PREGNANT. I mean, what the fuck?!

Man, if you help me out, I owe you so fucking bad.

Hidan

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: nara-techsupport acc. edu**

**Subject: Eh?**

You got Temari pregnant?

Suddenly a whole lot of things Kakazu was ranting about make sense.

If you did get her pregnant then there's no way I can call off Kankuro and Gaara. They're pretty protective of her you know (yes even Gaara, he's just not quite as vocal about it as Kankuro is) so they'll be out for blood. If it wasn't you then unfortunately they'll consider me the next candidate so I'm going to go into pre-emptive hiding and change my name.

I suggest you do the same- and possibly leave the country.

Shikamaru

PS Ino read that over my shoulder (we're having a... private tutoring session). Sorry if you two didn't want the joyous news spread quite yet.

* * *

**To: nara-techsupport acc. edu**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Eh?**

No no NO. She's not pregnant! Come on, what the fuck is up with you people? I got two fingers in her and that is fucking IT, seriously. It's just that dumbass Kankurou getting the wrong end of the stick and looking for reasons to toast my nuts on an open fire.

What - well. Look, I'm gonna tell you this because I seriously need your help and honestly I feel like I'm gonna fucking die if I don't just yell something. I said something real dumb in an email to her. I was trying to convince her that I'm not just looking to fuck her and run (laugh it up fuckface, but it's true) and I just blurted out some shit like "I love that about you".

And chicks, they get all sentimental over that crap, you know? She totally emailed me back and -

- look, I'm sick of this. I think I kind of meant it. I DID mean it. And I didn't even realise I meant it until she mailed me back and I didn't know what to say. What the fuck do you say about something like that? I don't even fucking know how to love someone, aside from Jashin-sama. And myself, maybe. I don't know how to do half the shit she probably started dreaming about the minute I said that.

But the long and short of it is, she's crying, and her over possessive fuck of a brother thinks I got her pregnant and he's practically banging down my freaking door demanding answers.

And I have no fucking idea what to say.

Hidan.

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: nara-techsupport acc. edu**

**Subject: Re: RE: Eh?**

Too late, Ino's pretty taken with the idea of a suprise pregnancy, it's far more interesting than the truth apparently.

Have fun answering everyone's questions on Monday.

You do realise this is Temari we're talking about right? She's not going to get overly sentimental. In fact I'd think you saying something like that would probably scare her more than anything.

And no she's not the type to start picking out china patterns just because you made a Freudian slip.

I guess 'Sorry' would be a good place to start. Then maybe you could suggest a date since I'm pretty sure that's what you're supposed to be before all the 'I love you' stuff and the pregnancy scares.

I'll phone Temari and get her to tell Kankuro to lay off, I'm pretty sure she's the only one he'll believe if he's that angry.

Now I've helped you with yours, you want to help with mine? How do I get this troublesome woman to stop stalking me?

Shikamaru


	13. Chapter 13

_DISCLAIMER: We don't own Naruto. Kishi does (lucky !#$%£)._

_NOTES: This is the result of an RP set in the same universe as my (Kaida's) AU story "Crossing Wires" (link in profile, in case you're confused). I'm Hidan, Rel is Temari. Contains strong language. Some slight Shika/Ino and Gaa/Saku for later chapters. Any grammatical errors/spelling mistakes have been left in ON PURPOSE because the format is email-style, and no email is perfect. Email addresses have had to have spaces entered, so that FF doesn't throw a spaz attack. _

_For the record, these are the characters we each play:_

_Rel = Temari, Shikamaru and Kankurou_

_Kaida = Hidan, Kakuzu and Gaara_

_So this is it - the end. We had a huge amount of fun writing this RP, and there will no doubt be other works to come. We hope you enjoyed this as much as we enjoyed writing it._

_Thanks to all who've reviewed! _

**

* * *

****To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu**

**Subject: Pretty overdue apology**

I freaked out. Unbelievable, since I'm usually like the King of Cool (har har), but I fucking freaked out like a little bitch. I didn't mean to upset you, I swear - I was kind of cowering in fear, actually. I'm so sorry, seriously. Please don't let your brother(s) kill me.

I know there's now so much fucking shit for us to wade through, what with our entire friendship being a little weird and then the whole thing on Kakuzu's desk, and now...this. It's like my world's been turned on it's head. Hell, I even talked to Nara without calling him lady boy, can you believe that shit? And did you know he jerks off to gay porn?

Kidding. That was my advice for him to get Yamanaka to leave him alone, but I doubt he'd be able to get it up for either gender, seriously.

Look...I think the best place to start without causing any more fucking heart attacks would be for me to say: would you come out with me so that we can start again, but on the right foot this time? And maybe leave all potentially fatal and dangerous objects out of the equation?

Hidan

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**From: sabakut acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Pretty overdue apology**

You're a damn whiny little girl sometimes you know that?

Yes I'm still kinda pissed off at you totally ignoring my e-mail after I put myself out there like that and running and hiding like a pansy ( you seem to do that alot)

I spent all of last night convincing Kankuro that unless it was the second Immaculate Conception I was completely not pregnant. He now wants to kill you slightly less (where the hell did he get that idea from in the first place? God do the rumours from our college even reach my brothers? That's a disturbing thought. )

You and Shikamaru getting along? That's one of the signs of the apocalypse I'm sure. Maybe your god will be along any minute to smite the sinners or whatever the hell it is that happens at the end of the world.

He should just give up now as far as the Ino thing goes, he's let her get her claws into him and he's as good as done for.

Okay you can take me out (I mean the entire school thinks we're secretly married with our first child on the way anyway) But it better be somewhere nice.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu **

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu **

**Subject: Re: Re: Pretty overdue apology**

Okay, because I'm trying to make a good impression I've decided to ignore your comments about me being a pansy.

Uh...who knows where he got that fucking idea? I don't! Heheh - um, yeah. So he's leaving me alone now, right? Him and Gaara? Because that's one lynch mob I'd really like to avoid. You shouldn't have told him about the virgin thing, he might get excited.

You're...serious? Wow. I really didn't fucking expect that, but it's great! Seriously. Okay, so...I guess it's a date?

Hidan

* * *

**To: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Boyfriend? Whoah that's sounds weird.'**

**From: sabakut acc. edu 'Girlfriend'**

**Subject: Before we start this...**

...let's get a few things straight. We're going to have to do this the normal way okay? As in you take me out normal places like the movies and to dinner. Not....I don't know.... Church or anything.

We're both going to act sensible and mature about this okay? (At least _try_, I'm sure there's a normal person lurking deep down inside you somewhere)

And you have to treat me with respect. Just because we're dating doesn't mean you can take liberties alright?

Also no hitting on other women. No not even to get discounts.

Temari

* * *

**To: sabakut acc. edu 'Girlfriend (you're right, that does sound weird)'**

**From: hidan-techsupport acc. edu 'Boyfriend (whoa)'**

**Subject: Re: Before we start this...**

Yeah, I totally get it! I have been on a fucking date before, you know. I'll take you out, and not to church or a biker bar or some shit like that. In fact - I'm taking you to a movie. There's this awesome new gorefest that's opened up at the Odion down the street - seriously fucking awesome night out. Do you like ramen? There's this little place called Ichiraku that gives me amazing discounts because - right. Okay. Maybe not Ichiraku.

Of course I respect you! Come on - would I even be going out with you if I didn't fucking respect you? This is me we're talking about, seriously.

I'll pick you up tomorrow at 6.

Hidan.

P.S. What colour panties are you wearing?


End file.
